SHAME - Today, I am ENOUGH!!

Hello again to my readers,

I took a small break from blogging as my worlds converged to reveal progress in lessons that take a lifetime of practice.  My God, Higher Power, Spirit of the Universe...what ever you are comfortable with...has been leading me down a path I have taken before, but for very different reasons today.  I'm very different today than even a year ago, and I didn't realize it until this week.

The title of this blog is probably not going to result in many readers, but that is ok.  The importance of this topic in my life, and facing it head on, has begun a freeing, positive and miraculous change in my soul.  It's taken me this past month to get to the point where I could put this into words.  I had to PRACTICE the things I have been reading about and listening to in Brene' Brown's books The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly.

Let me begin with, I have a job that has some very tedious, mind numbing tasks, when I work on them I put my headphones on and listen to Brene's books on Audible.

When I started studying shame I had faced some very big realities about myself, had to walk through them and clean up the wreckage of my past.  This is a life long task, but the major events have been addressed, amends made and forgiveness given.  I had to face that my defense mechanisms root from fear.  Once I knew that, I had to peel the onion another layer deeper, which revealed the true root of my fear, which is SHAME.

I studied shame, because that is where I am comfortable, studying, working with data, facts...give me facts! On the other hand, feelings are not comfortable for me.  I have been allowing myself to feel, and leaning into it, for 4 years.  It's been awkward, painful, but so rewarding.  I have found out that feeling doesn't kill you, it feels like it sometimes, but it won't.  If you can walk into it, talk to someone who has made it to the other side, then you can be free of the fear.  Fear intensifies the pain.  I think of pain as "the valley of death", which for me means a time of change and God walks me through it.

Brene' discusses that shame feels the same as trama symptoms.  I have lived with PTSD since age six, but didn't know what it was.  I wasn't sure that those symptoms happened to me when I was in shame, until now.

Those of you who have known me for a while know I have tried to sell everything on the face of the earth. There is a reason I am an accountant and not a sales person.  I swore I would not try and sell anything again. To be honest, in the past, I was always trying to sell these things with the motivation to make big money. (I know, I know...) They were always products I liked.  However, I would buy more than a sold and didn't really run it like a business.

Well, a month ago I was contacted by a friend, who asked me to do her a favor and listen to a recording and take a survey to help her in her Mary Kay business.  I agreed to  do this, and she knew I had a bad experience with one rep in the past.  I had actually stopped using Mary Kay products as a result.  I will say that it's not fair to judge an entire company based on one person or even a small group of people.

I listened.  The national group leader is my friends sister-in-law, she has values that align with mine - God first, Family second and Work third.  When I lay out boundaries she honors them.  I don't like conformity, but when I look at the guides for what they expect of their sales force, it is a long and detailed list, as a business practice rather than conforming, I was open to following direction.  I must say that any time I have gone into a situation with an open-mind everything flows. Funny how when I just follow direction and leave the results up to God, things flow.

Here comes the lesson: when I do direct sales I have to be vulnerable...eeeek...even via email it is uncomfortable.  As part of our goal to become a new national area, I sent out an email to all my personal contacts.  I've surprisingly received a positive response and no one has been mean or rude in anyway.  I received one reply simply asking that I take her off any promotional emails.  She was very polite and the email was short and sweet.  I immediately went into a SHAME SPIRAL.  My armpits tingled, my skin felt clammy and I froze.  Suddenly, I realized what was happening, I was in shame.  There was no reason for it, but there I was.  I thought, what do I do.  I sat there at my desk and I said out loud fast...pain pain pain pain pain pain...until the sensations went away.  It is freaking amazing, I was able to recognize it and then address it.  I reminded myself, out loud that all she is saying is I don't want my email filled with promotional stuff for products I don't use.  She wasn't saying, I hate you and never talk to me again.

The tools I am learning from Brene' work!  If my journey with Mary Kay is just to make me a stronger, more confident women, then it is work every minute.  Never mind the 50% discount on products that I do truly love.

Thank you Brene'!  I will always be grateful!! I AM ENOUGH!!  I am strong enough!  I am happy enough!  I have enough! I am lovable!!  I AM ENOUGH!!

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